2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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