omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
