I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
