Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Randomize
