Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
