I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
