with your own penis?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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