Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
