I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have already put on my inside pants.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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