No awkward lesbian experiences without me
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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