So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
