i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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