you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
