Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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