Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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