We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
