not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
