I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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