If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I am naked and annoyed.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
