i need an iv and a liver transplant
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
