I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Randomize
