Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
