You don't have asthma, your pregnant
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
