I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
