I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
