why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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