dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i wish my penis had a tongue
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
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