I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
