So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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