i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
