Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
