I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My cat gives me a boner
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I would ride that face into the sunset
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
