I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
