I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
