Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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