So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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