He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
