the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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