eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
