If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
