She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
