Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
