smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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