i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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