i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
