Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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