I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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