ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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