he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
