my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
