This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
