Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
