i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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