Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
