I need to stop coming to work sober
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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