Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
