my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize